A Holiday Poem

(Or, for those who wish to pretend there are no other holiday traditions being celebrated at this time of year, “A Christmas Poem.”)

A reader sent this to us back in 2004. Three years later, the Grinches are grinchier than ever, and even more unhappy. Our heartfelt wish for them is that they find the ability to “think of something they haven’t thought of before.” We’ll do our best to help with that process.

How the Grinch Stole Marriage
–by Mary Ann Horton, Lisa and Bill Koontz
(with apologies to Dr. Suess.)
Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot……
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!

The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.

“And they’re buying their tuxes!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow’s the first Gay Wedding! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!”

For, tomorrow, he knew… All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!

“I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! …But HOW?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know what to do!” The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
“With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!”

“All I need is a Scripture…” The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…? No! The Grinch simply said,
“With no Scripture on Marriage, I’ll fake one instead!”
“It’s one man and one woman,” the Grinch falsely said.

Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
“These bennies,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.

Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!

“And NOW!” grinned the Grinch, “I will pocket their Rings.”
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, “My, oh, my, why?”
“Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?”

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Shepherd sneered,
“The judges are evil, the other states weird.”
“I’ll fix the rings there and I’ll bring them back here.”

It was quarter past dawn… All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
“Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!” he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!”

He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN’T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!”
“It came without licenses, came without courts!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!

“Maybe Marriage,” he thought, “doesn’t come from the court.
Maybe Marriage…perhaps… comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay.”
And what happened then…? Well…in Gayville they say
that the Grinch’s small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said “We got Married.” They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was “Married and Proud.”

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he… …HE HIMSELF… hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!

The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said “These are my children, and I love them all.”

____________________________________

Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton. Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution. This is a parody of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

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9 Responses to A Holiday Poem

  1. David says:

    Jonathan is referring to the House Resolution, overwhelmingly passed yesterday, recognizing Christmas as an important holiday. Seems that 9 reps voted no; my best guess is that they are just fed up with the fabricated “War on Christmas” nonsense and made a symbolic gesture. Of course FotF, ever the victim, is more interested in bashing the 9 than praising the 372 who voted yes. They didn’t have enough people to hate?

    FotF and similar sites don’t bother to provide the bill number; I guess they don’t expect their readers to actually want to see what they’re talking about. The bill (H. Res. 847), as it turns out, was amended to remove the following clause:

    Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible;

    Very interesting.

  2. Jack says:

    The point was that those nine voted FOR the Ramadan Resolution but AGAINST the Christmas Resolution.

    There are some who call themselves Christian who believe that WORKS, not FAITH, is the way to Heaven. The removed passage would have been a misstatement of their beliefs.

  3. Jonathan says:

    I dunno Jack,

    The statement:

    Those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior

    is a statement of faith

    and the statement:

    commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible;

    is a statement of works.

    With respect to your apology for FotF, it was 8 out of 9:

    Nine Democrats refused to support a U.S. House resolution Tuesday seeking the official recognition of Christmas “” even though eight of them supported a similar resolution on Ramadan earlier this year.

    “The foundation of this nation and this culture is Christian. “¦ I think there’s an assault on Christianity in America,” sponsor Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, said in a statement.

    Did those votes warrant the response from Steve King? Doesn’t Christmas continue to be a national holiday? Our tax dollars support a paid day off for people of all faiths. That’s a pretty strong endorsement of the Christmas holiday, don’t you think?

  4. Jack says:

    It is the reason for the works, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, that is the problem.

    I suspect most of those nine would vote against a paid Christmas holiday, too.

  5. David says:

    I don’t think that will be up for a vote, but if there were in fact a movement to end Christmas as a national holiday, that would be a War on Christmas. Short of that, I’m not seeing one. Resolutions to recognize a holiday are a nice gesture, but hardly have the same significance as a government sponsored holiday. In the case of Christmas, it seems redundant. What planet do these folks live on where they think Christmas isn’t currently “recognized as an important holiday”?

    I’m glad someone had the good sense to derail the attempt to enshrine a singular definition of “Christian” in federal law. If nothing else, can we agree that such things are not the business of government?

  6. gstone says:

    The vote is the vote. The nice thing about votes is they actually right them down, these fools will have to live with this forever. These nitwits are now on record as endorsing the observance of one religion over another. The issue is the fools who don’t get it, not their colleagues who do. The fact that anyone with the common sense of half a load of gravel would vote in this manner is amazing. No, actually it is embarrassing, but what would you expect from a group led by Gary Ackerman and Alcee hastings, enough said.

  7. gstone says:

    The vote is the vote. The nice thing about votes is they actually write them down, these fools will have to live with this forever. These nitwits are now on record as endorsing the observance of one religion over another. The issue is the fools who don’t get it, not their colleagues who do. The fact that anyone with the common sense of half a load of gravel would vote in this manner is amazing. No, actually it is embarrassing, but what would you expect from a group led by Gary Ackerman and Alcee hastings, enough said.

  8. Jonathan says:

    Received a link to this story from Tony Fasolo this morning. Thanks Tony!

    When the Intolerant Kill Christmas: My Gay Friend’s Holiday Story

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