Won’t you join me in calling on our leaders to quickly pass the Defense of Britney’s Marriage Act? Every child needs, and deserves, a Mother AND a Father. As everyone knows, Mothers and Fathers without exception each bring a unique and irreplaceable skill set to the task of raising the next generation:
One of the arguments opponents of gay marriage make is that every child needs exactly one mother and one father to grow up to be a healthy adult. Isn’t it clear that Britney’s and K-Fed’s children also need a mother and a father? They need a mother who can provide them with all of the material goods they require, which their father can’t provide, and they need a father who can pick them up without dropping them. I think it is clear that neither of them alone can provide the care essential to the well-being of these children.
As Bob “Virginia’s chief homophobe” Marshall says with a straight face, each of us is only on this earth for one purpose: to make babies. Legitimate heterosexual, procreative marriages like Britney’s are recognized by our government for a reason. They are the very building blocks of civilization, without which our social fabric will unravel and our children might come to believe that marriage should be based on unrealistic things like shared values and mutual respect and equality between partners.
We cannot allow this to happen. The future of our nation depends on stopping this divorce. Won’t you call your Representative today? It’s for the children.